FRESH FUCKERY

Man, current politics rendered me terribly serious didn't they? Let's get back to the funny. If you're bored and want to have some fun, feel free to comment and ask me questions. I will be giving out terrible advice from now until Friday. I'm thinking about making this a weekly thing on Facebook. We shall see.  Enjoy this fuckery!

Christina Vs. The Barista II

Me: I'd like a Dark Hot Chocolate with two shots of caramel.**
Barista: Uuhhhhh, did you want a Cocoa Carmella?
Me: Is it the same as a dark hot chocolate with two shots of caramel?
Barista: I don't know.
Me: Ok, then I'll have a Dark Hot Chocolate with two shots of caramel.
Barista: *Consults with other barista*
Barista 2: Uhm, did you want a Cocoa Carmella?

Me: Is that the same as a Dark Hot Chocolate with two shots of caramel?
Barista 2: Uhm, its like a shot of chocolate and a shot of caramel.
Me: Is that the same amount of shots I'd get with a Dark Hot Chocolate with two caramel shots?
Barista 2: No.
Me: *Through clenched teeth* I'd like a Dark Hot Chocolate with a double shot of caramel. I'm fine with whatever you have to call it to get those things into a cup and then serve it to me. 
Barista 2: *Gives me a look like I'm a crazy person while she makes my drink, mumbling.*
Me: *Weeps*

The most frustrating thing is that every single time I go, we have this conversation and every time, I ask them to clarify how much chocolate and caramel you get in the two different drinks, since the menu doesn't tell me. They refuse to answer me. So instead we have to fight every single time.

What's in the box?

Those of you who actually read my under-rated bon-mots on the Book of Face can probably tell that I've had a challenging week. Bunches of little, silly things that aren't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I had good thing happen too! I entered a contest through Rite Aid, where I submitted a picture-a-day of my eyeshadow and I won a prize! So many exclamation points!!! 

Not pictured: Goop's head.

I had to fill out a shady looking form that came from a shady looking email address and I became convinced that I'd been scammed. They never told me what I won. They never stated that I actually did win. All the correspondence said, "You may be a winner". So a week after I turned in my shady form, I received a suspicious-looking box on my porch. When I opened it, there was a pretty, white box inside of that. And at that point,I have to tell you, I was very concerned that it might be Gwyneth Paltrow's head. Because my brain is a scary place and Se7en is an awesome movie. 

I'm glad to say, it wasn't. Instead, it was full of drugstore eye makeup! Whoo! I'm always excited about free stuff, but this does present a certain challenge. I'm pretty particular about my eye makeup since I'm sensitive to most mascaras and eyeliners and straight up allergic to all foundations. My eyes itch and swell if I use the wrong eye makeup, so I have to be careful. When it comes to drugstore products, the expensive stuff is generally the worst for me. The big names like Revlon, Covergirl, Maybelline, Rimmel and Milani are usually products I stay away from, with very few exceptions. I'd say most of L'Oriel too, except I like the HIP eye shadows a lot. But I digress. With that exception, the rest of those brand's eyeshadows are garbage. When it comes to drug stores, the cheaper stuff is usually better both in terms of color payoff and quality. I really like the cheap-y LA Colors eyeshadows. The color is vivid, though they are a bit itchy for me. I adore E.L.F. eyeshadow palettes. Their eyeshadow does not itch and has nice color payoff and blend-ability. NYX Pearl Eyeshadow and Jesse's Girl Eye Dusts are both fantastic. Great colors, great staying power and marvelous prices. Wet n' Wild is hit or miss, but when its hit, it's pretty good. 

Sadly the majority of what I received were the big name brands, but what do you want for free? Wanna see what I got?

Score!

Here's my haul. I'm thinking of starting a weekly post, maybe Superficial Saturday, or Profoundly Shallow Saturday, where I'll do short posts that review makeup, starting with the various products I won. Now, I must warn you, I'm no makeup expert and I have super sensitive skin, so take whatever I say with big grains of margarita salt. Then drink the margarita. Then drink another. Then try to put on liquid eyeliner and take pictures. Then send them to me, because that shit would be hilarious.

What drugstore eye makeup do you swear by? 

Leave me a comment below.

Christina Vs. The Barista

Via Flickr member: owlpacino

Me: I'd like a small, dark hot chocolate with a shot of caramel.**
Barista: Frozen, iced or hot?
Me: Uhm, what?
Barista: Frozen, iced or hot hot chocolate.
Me: A small, dark HOT chocolate.
Barista: *gives me a look* Which kind?
Me: *through clenched teeth* Hot. Hot. Chocolate.

After paying...

Me: Oh, I'm sorry, did you give me my receipt?
Barista: Uhm, no. *He looks away from me and then glances back like he forgot I was there.* Did you, like, want one or something?
Me: ...

Some days, I just can't with people.

On the plus side, my hot chocolate was delicious.

 
**Don't you judge me. I had a long day.

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm

 

There is a part of me that is just a straight up shit-starter. I like do things because they aren't done. As I'm writing my romance novel, I have tried at every turn to outdo myself with the ridiculous things I managed to work into conversation between my characters. A few of my favorites are:

Farting contests
Toe hair
Colon cleanses
Geriatric dominatrices
Scissoring (and I'm not talkin' 'bout arts and crafts)

I swear to you, the book is sexy and it's a love story. Really. I'm sure.

Pretty sure.

Mostly sure.

The sex scenes are hot. I can definitely vouch for that.


On a different note, oh look, Dean Winchester images. Shut up, I can quit anytime I want!

No I can't.

Help. Me.

Blog Under Construction

http://edmonyasir.blogspot.com

Don't be concerned if things keep changing or looking weird around here. I really liked my old blog header and color scheme but as I was working on making author business cards to match my blog, I realized that the design didn't actually reflect my writing style, whether its in blog posts or in my fiction. 

If I wrote slick, sleek urban love stories, the crisp white background with whimsical bubbles would be great. But I write edgy romance with characters who swear and have emotional problems and like to bone in the backs of rusty trucks. My stories are gritty and sexy and offbeat and my blog should reflect that, I think.I think grungy purples and blacks reflect my crusty personality much more than the bubbles did.

Anyhow, I'm still playing with the background. It's hell making a background big enough to fill the screen but small enough to fit into Blogger's stringent 300k or less requirement for uploading. Also I have to figure out the CSS to make my header sit flush against the top of the page. These things will come when I have more time.

So yeah. I've been working on this for weeks. So if you think it sucks...

I'm joking, of course. You aren't ugly. You read my blog which means you're gorgeous and you have impeccable taste. If you think the new design sucks I wanna know. I just said that because I wanted an excuse to put up another Dean Winchester gif. Seriously, my obsession is unhealthy.


If you have opinions, thoughts, concerns or comments about the new look and tagline, let me know! I'd love to hear from you.

The Search for the Perfect Citrus Perfume

You know how you'll smell a perfume and it will just rock your world? So you take it home and spray it like an angry skunk and three hours later find yourself marinating in something that smells like a pile of hot garbage?

I know you know what I'm talking about.

My body (and my diet until recently) is full of sugar. When I try on perfume, whatever the sweetest note is, my body is going to exploit and exaggerate it, until I end up smelling like baked Skittles. I have, over the years, fell in love with a number of high-end perfumes that ended up so nauseatingly sweet on me, it's like I rolled in a pile of middle school girls eating sugar cookies. Armani Code is fabulous, but not on me. It quickly turned overpowering and caused me to have asthma attacks. Coach Poppy smelled so good in the bottle but after an hour, it smelled like I had just finished my shift at Uncle Buddies Bikini Barn Emporium.

Same with Bvlgari BLV, Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue, Clinique Happy, Marc Jacobs Lola, DKNY Be Delicious...

So after a while I realized I only like two things in a perfume; citrus scent and amber. Unfortunately they are often paired with stupid, stinky vanilla, which I seem to be allergic to. Lucky for me, as I already loathed vanilla. I work at a college and my sniffer gets assaulted daily by Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret sickly sweet vanilla scents.

So finding a nice, long wearing scent seems impossible. Citrus scents tend to be more orange blossom than a fresh orange and I don't love flowery scents. So I recently researched... and yes I'm a huge dork, you didn't know?

I narrowed it down to a handful of expensive and cheap citrus-y perfumes. I was able to buy roller ball versions (read: cheap) of all but one*.

Love & Toast Candied Citron
Love & Toast Persimmon Plum
Pacifica Tuscan Blood Orange
Ralph Lauren Big Pony 1 for women

*Lancome O de L' Orangerie 

So far the Candied Citron is a total bust. Smells like medicine on me. Tuscan Blood Orange is awesome, love the scent, sadly the scent disappears in an hour. I might experiment with layering if I choose it.  I tried layering it on top of Bath and Body Works Coconut Lime Breeze and Bath and Body Works White Citrus. Both of which are okay on me but not great. That seemed to make the scent more complex but the blood orange scent disappeared just as quickly. So I dunno. Tomorrow I'm going to try on the Persimmon Plum and Wednesday will be Big Pony 1. I still haven't found the Lancome scent to try on. Though, while I was writing this, I discovered Bath and Body Works brought White Tea and Ginger back, which they had discontinued, much to my sads. I might have to
order a bottle...

Anyhow, that's my completely uninteresting foray into the world of eau de toilette.  Just makin' conversation.

What's your favorite scent? Got any recommendations for me?

Writin' Writin' Writin'

Too busy to write a Perfectly Positive Monday post. Actually making progress on my chapter nine. Maybe. Sort of. So, blah blah blah, positivity, blah blah blah Supernatural, Veronica Mars, new computer, lip gloss. question no one answers. THE END! See you next Monday!

A Post About Being Insecure About My Post About Insecurity

There is an Insecure Writers Support Group post coming. But I'm having some trouble editing it. I've written four different beginnings and they are all genius (IMHO) but I think the piece loses something if it's simply four beginnings and no middle or end. Kind of like the blog equivalent of the cancelled show Heroes. A million beginnings that start off so well and soon you just want to tear out your eyelashes and shout, "Could you resolve anything, just one.damn. thing?!" Then you cry a little, but you still watch it because you secretly love Sylar and you'll pretty much watch a show that is nothing but him eating potato chips and using psychic powers to kill other people. So there you are, in despair because you know it's not moving ahead one, single step and you'll have to listen to what feels like 30 minutes of Mohinder rambling on about the universe and mysteries that lay therein and the voice over feels a little bit racist even though you can't pinpoint exactly why...

Reading my post as it is would be exactly like that. So I need a little time. Check back with me later tonight.

Ironically this COULD be an Insecure Writers Support Group post about being insecure about my Insecure Writers Support Group post. Wow, that is so meta it becomes a snake devouring it's own tail. I kind of like it.

Anyhow, stay tuned.

Photo courtesy of fototastisch

Apropos of nothing, did you know that Zachary Quinto is dating Jonathan Groff? That is the most sexy and adorable pairing in the history of ever and I squee-ed a little a lot about it. In honor of Colorado lifting their ban on gay marriage and putting some of my dearest friends a little closer to having equal rights in their own state, tell me who is your favorite celebrity gay couple?